When a loved one dies or we lose something important in our lives, we desperately want some kind of structure to tell us how to get through the incredibly painful grief we are feeling. Grief can feel overwhelming, scary, and confusing. We want to know what to expect and more importantly, when it will finally be over.
The 5 Stages of Grief were originally developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and presented to the world in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Since then, the 5 Stages have become a very popular way of thinking and talking about grief.
The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But, trying to match your experience with these stages may not always be helpful or make sense. Here are some reasons why:
- The 5 Stages of Grief were originally a way to understand the stages people go through when they are dying, not when they are mourning someone who has died.
Dr. Kübler-Ross and others have written lots of other books in the past few decades to update and build on the 5 Stages of Grief as they apply to grieving someone who has died. - There is a misconception that the stages happen in order.
If you do experience the stages listed above, they might not happen in order, some might not happen at all, or you might go through some of them several times. You might also experience lots of things that fall outside of the 5 Stages. - The grieving process is unique for everyone–thinking that you “should” be grieving in a certain way can make you feel worse when that doesn’t happen.
The 5 Stages are not the only way to try to make sense of grief. Other examples include The 8 Pillars of Strength by Julia Samuel and The 4 Tasks of Grief by William Worden. Many people also find comfort in religious or cultural rituals and explanations of death and loss.
Whether or not you identify with the 5 Stages of Grief, try giving yourself permission to grieve in the way that feels most authentic to you. The key is to have patience and compassion with yourself and not expect that your grief should look the same as someone else’s. Consider reaching out to a support group or mental health professional if you are struggling to cope.
Rachel Ginsberg, MSW, RSW, is a psychotherapist and registered social worker who specializes in helping women in their 20s-30s navigate life transitions related to grief and loss, relationships, family, and work. Find out more here: https://findingchangetherapy.ca/specialized-services/pages/life-transitions-and-grief
Photo by Paolo Nicolello on Unsplash
