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Some of my clients feel like everything in their lives would be better if their negative emotions would just leave them alone. If they could just stop feeling so anxious, depressed, angry, etc., then things would be so much easier.
But as frustrating as our emotions can be at times, it’s important to learn to become friends with them and welcome them in. That doesn’t mean letting them take control and run the whole show, but it does mean giving them space and validation.
Here’s why:
Negative emotions (really all emotions) give us important signals. They alert us to danger or even just let us know that we’re unhappy and need something to change.
This means that negative emotions can help us make important decisions–which job we should take, when we should leave a relationship, where we should live, etc. Even if a decision looks good on paper, your emotions might tell you a different story about whether or not it’s right for you. This doesn’t mean you should make big decisions purely based on emotion, just that it’s important to pay attention to how decisions make you feel.
Our emotions also let us know when we’re being mistreated. People pleasers especially should pay attention to this! If you have a tendency to try to make everyone happy, you might notice a build up of anger, stress, or anxiety that you don’t know what to do with. These emotions are often trying to tell you that you’re being treated badly or at least aren’t getting your needs met.
Even our most unreasonable-seeming emotional reactions deserve respect. They are often tied to past (and sometimes traumatic) experiences that need attention, not dismissal.
If you’re in the habit of trying to resolve negative emotions by focusing on how illogical they are but find they are still bothering you, try this approach instead:
Take a moment to acknowledge and validate the emotion, without judgment. Give yourself permission to feel unreasonable and have curiosity about what the emotion is trying to tell you. Then, decide what you want to do next. Remember, all emotions are valid–it is behaviours that are not always valid.
Rachel Ginsberg, MSW, RSW, is a psychotherapist and registered social worker who specializes in helping women in their 20s-30s navigate life transitions related to grief and loss, relationships, family, and work. Find out more here: https://findingchangetherapy.ca/specialized-services/pages/life-transitions-and-grief
Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
